therapy transcript. April 26, 2025. Things change fast once you are witnessed.
I’ve lost control of my mind before.
I’ve lost myself in relationships. In my mom’s expectations for me.
Sometimes I feel like I’m dying and i lose myself there.
alcohol.
“healing”
the unconscious.
There’s always a possibility I may not come back.
Allowing myself to experiencing a little bit of loss can be exhilarating.
A fear of being consumed by the thing that gives me life.
The fear of losing myself in the thing want the most or the fear of losing myself in avoiding the thing you want the most.
Back to a thought from 2017
I think we are all just light and observing light and dark. Almost shadow
Mind opening a lot as i type this.
So basically everything is sun. Which means everything is light.
The sun is the ruler. All the planets gravitationally pull around it.
If the Bible is based off the story of light that means it’s telling the story of [light and matter] That’s beside the point but it’s just ….
The way the shadows move [that is the story] Left right left fast slow. In reverse.
It’s the dance of those shadows that cast the play.
Anyway. That flow of movement from the sun is a show. The shadows tell the story. Like Micheal Angelo.
Who controls the sun?
What gravitational orbit is the sun under.
It’s funny I just had to click into another note so that the tone could live on its own here. My thumbs and brain collaborate so well.
Our thumbs do all our communication for us, on little glass boxes.
I really do the majority of my communication with my hands. Isn’t that crazy. My hands are creating for me on paper on the computer on canvas… I literally talk with my hands. wtf.
I feel all my energy moving back into my body and mind as i say this.
My art speaks for me. I can communicate 100 times more effectively with visuals. Otherwise i don’t know who i am.
Art is a playground. It’s a language that is spoken in other words and silence.
I see myself.
In art and expression I see myself.
Attention through craft. Intention through craft.
I will tell through art. Show through art. Show through Frequency. Connect through frequency. Float on an energetic level.
Everything feels possible when you remember.
I can really feel my energy shift. In positive and negative ways.
I never write about happiness, so this was one of my first attempts.
There is a piece inside of me that is dying.
She is struggling to let go.
She wants to be safe but she doesn’t realize that letting go is the safety.
There is a part of me that is dying off.
That is grief.
Letting go is grief.
Letting go is painful.
Even when the concept that you are releasing is destructive.
That means letting go of something that you know like the back of your hand.
Not knowing what is on the other side of something is terrifying.
Rejection is predictable.
It feels safe to say… oh well…. They didn’t like me. Now I can change me. Idk.
I hurt.
What would it be like for someone to chose me. To be vulnerable and to be loved. Is that what I am running from?
Part of me doesn’t want clarity because I am nervous about what that clarity could be. And for that i’d rather live in a gray area where personal rejection is probable but also not totally possible. My heart aches to feel that I am not chosen.
What if he is struggling internally
What if there is something else
What if it’s not me..
What if it is…
What if clarity would give me every answer I ever wanted / needed.
What if clarify gave me ever answer that I didn’t want or need.
What if it’s not me… thats the problem.
Part of me likes rejection. Because it reinforces a limiting belief that I have about myself.
What if I let go of that.
Idk.
Right now I feel 4. I feel like I have to come home and protect myself. The outside world feels scary. I hate this feeling. Yet I have been feeling it for weeks. And yet. I’m still here. I am still trying. I am still pushing forward.
I’d like to believe that it makes me better.
In the long run.
It gives me some type of fuel.
A stranger on the internet told me they can tell I censor myself in my writing. The truth is… I dote around like an open book but I’m terrified of really being seen (again). I’ll put myself out there in a really curated way and I’ll hide myself in a link that doesn't work.I feel uncomfortable. I feel rejected. I feel alone. And I feel guilty for feeling anything in the first place.The possibility of true closeness is the possibility of true rejection. It makes me want to run away. It makes me imagine the worst case scenario and run. My throat itches. I’m grateful for the opportunity to heal, or whatever… but I’m also mad. I’m upset that it’s here. I feel delayed. I feel obsessed. I feel out of control. I feel like I need to smoke weed.Usually I just want to be alone to "fix" myself but this time I don’t want that. Sitting on the couch, checking Instagram and then deleting the app from my phone. I don’t feel good.I didn’t take my Prozac today. My mom was right. I should have made that appointment sooner.My phone is on DND, as if anyone is trying to contact me. I’m screening my parents calls. I don’t want to talk to my grandma. I just deleted Instagram again. Where am I? Who am I?I am not healed. My throat is tight.Just checked my texts again. Nothing. Just a group chat with my mom and brother. Who I do not feel close with right now. And if I ever post this anywhere (accessible) I will probably cross that part out because I’m worried to hurt peoples feelings with my truth. So much for raw self expression. Censorship. How else am I censoring myself? A stranger on the internet told me they can tell I censor myself. Is it that obvious?If only I could meet Peter Vack.I just typed Instagram into my search bar again. I forgot I just deleted it for the third time since starting this note. What would bring me joy in this moment?I like to work on plans for my future. That helps me feel powerful. Since writing this and checking Instagram, deleting it and redownloading it again, I am feeling better. I feel my energy coming back into myself. Dopamine hits. Is "love" just dopamine hits?I’m not pleasant right now. This is not something a walk can fix. I just tried to click to Instagram again. My thumbs don’t know where to go. I just checked my transit chart again. Same aspects tomorrow. Sun conjunct Chiron. Pluto aspecting everything. My throat is tight.I’m feeling better. What will I do now that I’m feeling better? Go on a walk again? How many walks does it take?Is this healing? Is this what healing is supposed to be. You walk. You come home. You sit in despair and wait for the hours to pass? You think. You go on your phone? You switch between capitalism and art?Even when i get what I want…
I feel the same. 
Quitting therapy or as I like to call it “taking-a-break” is a conscious choice. I mean as “conscious” as it can be.
Speaking from experience, this break usually happens on the cusp on an enormous life-changing-break-through that is too hard to even fathom the words of but yea, taking-a-break sounds cute and sweet and innocent. And to be honest, it even makes you (me) sound accomplished when you (I) tell others.
It has this notion to it that there was once something so substantial going on that now warrants a well-earned break. And don’t get me wrong because that can be totally true too, but my black-and-white skewing mind likes to challenge every grey area, that I encounter.
“Yeah I was in therapy for a while and now I’m taking-a-break from it”
It rolls off the tongue easily when you share the news with your mom, who may or may not be happy she doesn’t have to pay for it for a few months or even a year.
But in reality this break is usually a way to distance yourself from… yourself. Your past. Your inner voice (at times).
The things you (i) have suppressed behind a pad locked door. The things that are “coming up” for you.
It sounds so corny to phrase it that way.
Therapy talk is hilarious to me, in the way that it’s completely infiltrated our vocabulary.
It’s always “Yea you’re right he’s totally gaslighting you, girly” and rarely “oh it looks like your parents nervous systems effected you poorly, you should take accountability and work on that with a licensed professional”.
It’s always a “daddy issues” crop top, tongue out, peace sign and rarely the “oh I seek male validation because my father wasn’t emotionally present growing up”.
Anyways, I’ve been on many of these “breaks”. It goes from an accomplishment to a forceful reinstatement.
Full surrender - Emailing your therapist - “hey do you have time this week” - Come-to-Jesus-moment.
Taking-a-break is conscious and getting back into it is usually forced. When you decide to start therapy (again) it’s usually out of desperation. Two-to-four things are usually going badly, followed by a doctor, friend, teacher, TikTok, boss, parent, significant other and/or all the above suggesting it. Throughly and repeatedly. For weeks. And weeks on end.
The reinstatement. Back like you never left. Except… for me. This is usually just an opportunity to talk about the boyfriend who’s ruining-my-life and all the boundaries I don’t have.
Yay more distraction. Layers I’ve (unconsciously) added to avoid getting to that one thing.
The best thing about the reinstatement is that it gives me least eight months of sorting through my most recent failed relationship before getting to the stuff that therapists probably live for. The stuff that makes them think “oh this is gonna be juicy”. The moment they really only hear about in therapy school. The thing. Whatever it is that’s hiding behind that padlocked door.
Allllllllll of that to come right on back here. Therapy 101. My childhood. We start there. Again. For probably the fortieth time since I was twelve. And slooooooowly work our way back to the point we were at before the “break”.
Only to prompt yet another break or break-through.
Alllllll that to just slowly-but-surely get back to a point where I wish there was a failed relationship to talk about again.
This-
Well yea. I can see why getting over this is important.
Now that I’m high off two hits of a joint I can explore this. I can picture myself in therapy saying I smoked again.
It’s weird because all my writing is just raw until I filter out all the perception. I just had the impulse to perform with that last sentence. I’ll keep it in. Im going to start annotating what’s raw from what’s censored.
I just did it again. See.
Anyway.
Of course I feel desperate to get over this emotion. It’s probably something I’ve been trying to get over for lifetimes. The version of me who’s gotten over this is somewhere out there, waiting for me to catch up. I think this is one of the last things I’ll need to get over. But it’s hilarious to think that way because I say that every time I get over something. Job is never finished. Not in this life or the next.
My reality brought me here, right? right? There’s gotta be meaning in this. Right? It will be released. Right now. Forcing it.
It’s like I’m in a hole looking up and then other times its like I’m outside the hole looking down.
When I’m looking down I feel like I can breathe, when I’m looking up my lungs don’t work.
my mom scares me.
What is that?
I think about my life and I try to think into the future and that scares me too.
I used to think into the future because I was so miserable with the present and the future was the only thing that could give me hope.
Purpose. Reason.
Someone said to me recently - “there you go, looking for hope again”
What is that?
Recently the future scares me. “Scare” is a weird word.
Right now I have this feeling in my stomach.
Maybe I’m hungry.
Maybe I’m lonely.
Maybe I’m reading the reminder that will not go away on my computer screen. The one that you-know-who made me set to go off daily.
“Talk like an adult”
I’ve marked it as complete over a hundred times in the last year and yet it will not go away.
What is that?
I think I’m lonely.
But that doesn’t make sense. Because I’m an artist.
People like the idea of me.
Maybe I’ll get a dog.
Maybe I bring a really off-putting vibe to the function.
What is that?
Should I call my ex and ask? Beg. “What’s wrong with me?”
But then again he’s told me a million times without holding back.
And when it was my turn to talk, I always held back.
What’s that about? Wanting to protect someone who’s never tried to protect me. That’s a whole other thing.
I have a box of old journals entries and love letters in my closet.
Is that the only thing that I have to talk about? heartbreak? And sadness?
I want to talk about love.
I want love in my life “again”
I love myself. I love my work. I think that’s enough. Could it be?
Remember, I used to hide from it (love).
When I feel like I want to give up. When I feel “empty”
I picture myself getting up (out of the common area)
I see myself nailing a canvas to my wall and creating.
Is the creation itself a presence. Is it my company?
It’s my company right?
I’ll get a dog.
Will we just watch each others stories for… ever? And pretend you didn’t just ghost me on a random Tuesday after saying “text me” on DM?
*thinks*
I’m so curious about what’s going with you (him). What’s your (his) condition? Where do you hide? What medicine do you take? Or not take?
It’s interesting. Seeing myself in another person. My, self. From before.
I used to hide.
I would only respond out of curtesy. Is that what he was doing to me? To Me? Was I disturbing him? And his “creative” time? Is he creative? Or is that something I wish for him to be? Was he screenshotting my messages?
I told him “be my muse” were famous last words…
I used to hide.
And then I would resurface, as if I was there all along. When it was convenient for me. When I needed something. When my inner-self wanted attention.
When I was low.
I would usually resurface when I was low.
Not just to him - but to others from the past, too. It’s interesting, experiencing yourself, you know, It’s humbling.
When I would hide, or run away, it was because I thought I wasn’t enough. Yet…
Enough to deserve love. Or relations. Of any kind, really.
Not enough to receive confirmation of my existence.
Because I didn’t like how I was existing.
When I am “recognized enough….” That’s when I’ll love. lol. Sounds so stupid when you spell it out like that.
Maslow, again.
I thought he could see me, and I liked that. But what is that? A desire to be seen? In just the right way.
Should I unfollow him? Do I want him to suffer in the ways I am.
Is he already? (Suffering)
Am I ?
Does like actually attract like?
I know so well that my “suffering” is self-imposed and at this point it’s just a remnant of my childhood hanging in my face like a carrot and a horse.
I can’t really approach that conversation. So instead I’ll post a passive aggressive meme about it, that I know he will see but not like.
“You should go because I think it’s important for you to connect with people”
*she doesn’t get it.
Connecting with people takes time away from my craft. The more I “connect” the less time I’m spending on my art.
Am I working towards recognition to avoid connection? Or the need for it?
Where does connection land in my hierarchy?
Maslow.
When I dream about you it’s not just from a distance. It’s not a dream. We are talking. I can feel it, like an umbilical cord between us. That’s a mother-child thing. So it makes sense, metaphorically. I feel it. It’s the feeling I feel. It’s in my belly button when I wake up. I know it’s not a dream. That’s the only place we talk now. It’s a place I can only find, when I’m there. There are no directions. I’m only there when I’m there.
The one place for us. The safest distance for us. And I don’t mean safe like violent. It’s just. For better or worse.
I’m nervous to remember too much.
The good and bad are equal. I should be replicating this with someone else (right).
He knows me. He knows everything about me, aside from everything I so carefully concealed from him. And sometimes he knew me a little better than I knew myself. Which was infuriating. How dare you see me more than I see me. How dare you challenge the way I force people (you) to perceive me.
Where is he?
It’s funny how memory works. Because when I wake up from our umbilical cord conversation I only see and remember the good. I wake up with a desire for something that only ends up in pain.
Where is he?
Now I’m on TikTok which hums to me in a slew of buzz words and the rest of the memories come punching through the walls of the-room where I keep them.
Wait.
Where is he?
Ok i’m getting up.
Sometimes it’s obvious.
Other times it’s right in front of my face but I can’t see it.
Reason is objective.
Presence is usually my last resort
When I’m teetering on the edge it’s so tempting to just go off the rails.
Crossing the borderline but also just chilling on the border. Bouncing between both selves.
The grounded one. And the one who doesn’t care.
I’m teetering.
Tipping my foot in the familiar when the unfamiliar is so much more steady. It’s more grounded, it’s more reliable. Why wouldn’t I want that?
Maybe the voice in my head is still me. From other parallels. Who wants to scream out.
Part of me needs to scream
I know who I am and I know what I’m going back to on the other side. For some reason I like to linger here. For some reason.
April 12, 2023
The space in between frightens me.
I try to jump from here to there immediately.
The space between makes me nervous. Can I be healed already? Can I be done already? Can I (be)... already?
Rushing, skipping steps, cutting corners to avoid discomfort... but only creating more discomfort.
Ironically prolonging my progress because I cant stand the process.
April 12, 2023
Confusing emotions with events, admitting weaknesses, questioning familiarity. Finding compassion for myself usually comes last. Been playing marco-polo with myself and my "self" my whole life. Games are over. Its ok to be home.
April 12, 2023
Fixing others as a way to avoid myself.
Avoiding as a way to stay safe.
Avoiding as a way to control.
Avoiding as a way of denial.
Fixing myself means admitting.
Saving myself means removing narratives that keep me comfortable.
Un-compartmentalizing what I wrapped up so "neatly".
My mom used to fix things tor me.
April 4, 2023
Higher self is watching me.
Over there.
Disconnected from myself.
Getting back to me.
Wanting to be the best version of myself.
Knowing I can be. Asking for a sign and getting one.
I don’t like the sign I got.
April 4, 2023
Very confused. Very clouded. Very sad. I might be a bad person. Maybe it's genetics. Maybe I’m a good person. Maybe its manipulation. Maybe I’m the manipulator, maybe ill never change, maybe I’m the narcissist. Maybe its genetics. I know I have good intentions. I know i have a good heart. Maybe i dont.
March 22, 2023
l used to assume that people didn’t want to meet me. When I was included in a conversation I was surprised. When someone looked directly at me when they spoke i was uncomfortable. I hid myself for years. The real me. When I was younger people would say "you're different from them" - people saw me.
I didn’t like being seen. It made me uncomfortable. I wanted to blend in more. I did things to blend in more. Until I forgot who I was.
I confused types of intimacy. Being seen is a love language. Being seen is vulnerable. Being seen is challenging.
Being ready to be seen is different.
March 31, 2023
It's really painful to admit that I'm repeating cycles. It's painful to admit that I'm blind to my faults. Defensive, accidentally manipulative, not changing, despite wanting to change. Despite knowing I can change. Despite knowing I’m supposed to change. Despite knowing the consequences of not changing.
It's painful to admit that besides wanting to be better and knowing I can be that I still need to do more and try harder to change my behavior.
It's painful to see that I have caused pain to someone.
It's disappointing to know that I'm choosing chaos.
It's heartbreaking to see me treat people around me in hurtful ways. It's painful to know that i am creating this for myself.
I want to show up for the people who love me.
For the people who care enough to show me the truth. I want to show up for the child inside. I want to show up at all.
March 22, 2023
The answer to everything is already inside. But I don’t like what I hear.
The universe will speak to us, it might be in the voice of a friend, a sign, a dead end, an open end.
But it’ll always start inside.
Silencing the voice inside is always my first instinct (she doesn’t know anything)
I did that. I do that. Its not always negative. Sometimes I think that I’m protecting myself. Usually i’m in denial.
I know all this. I’ve known all of this. I get it. I understand healing. I see it on a big level and a small level. But still struggle to act on it sometimes. Why?
March 25, 2023
Feeling like you’re almost there and realizing there is way more to go.
Nervous to mess up.
Messing up.
Feeling embarrassed.
Thinking you’re there, acting unconsciously, starting back at zero.
Re-learning, trying again, still getting it wrong.
Trying again, dedicating more, understanding more, not giving up.
Getting it right. Breaking through, building new habits. Being successful. Sometimes on the other side of a mountain a is another mountain.
One side of something its just the beginning side of something else.
Enjoy the peace, even if it’s just an hour.
Build tolerance and create peace regardless of circumstance.
March 22, 2023
Intention is accessible.
Pure intention will get you desirable outcomes.
Do something for the love of it. Because it makes you feel.
The outcome shouldn’t be the focus.
Creating because it makes you feel good should be the intention. It’s easy to get lost in the outcome. It’s easy to let the outcome define you.
Its easy to let the outside motivate you. Its hard to remember that the outcome is never the same reason you started.
I’m talking about art but it can apply to everything. For me making something has always been a way of expression. Once I share it it becomes about how its been received.
A lack of reception should never be a reason to stop creating. We create for ourselves. For the act of doing it. It can all get tangled together but I wish it didn’t.
March 18, 2023
Gratitude and energy is all a game. When you align with gratitude you advance in the game, & you are rewarded.
You match with higher experiences, more pleasant emotions, people, outcomes etc. Its all a choice. Part of the human experience is to "feel" - but we have to remember that we have a choice in those feelings.
If I’m experiencing sadness then I am contributing to that. If I’m experiencing happiness then I am contributing to that. Thats why its called self sabotage. We are in control.
It’s good news to know we have the power. But if you’re experiencing a negative reality, that is also your choosing. One of the greatest parts of the human experience is learning this choice and choosing a higher vibration every time. One of the greatest life lessons. Often our souls will come back over and over to learn this very thing.
Although I know this and believe it to my core, I still struggle with it daily.
I know there are many rebuttals to this theory.
How can someone with no money or abusive parents be choosing that? I get that too. How can they? Maybe its energy from generations before, mindsets from generations before. In many ways we are our ancestors reincarnated, trying again.
Maybe we aren’t all tapped into this information. I cant debate every scenario but the theory is that if you practice gratitude you will see different experiences and opportunities opening up for you. idk tho.
March 17, 2023
Compartmentalizing thoughts to stay safe.
To move forward. We can’t constantly live in the trauma of the past. The past is only for reference. Healing is forever but we also need breaks. I picture all my experiences sitting in a room in the back of my mind sometimes.
They come out every once in a while, they come out one by one. They want attention.
They need attention.
They shouldn't always visit and they shouldn't always hide.
I prefer most to be pad locked in room with a code that I only know sometimes.
March 10, 2023
why is everyone saying to love yourself? Googling depression cures and this is what its saying. I tried the therapy and the medicine but not really working.
I can’t find any steps on how to love myself?
Can I still love myself if I don’t like myself?
Did my parents forget to teach me this step? Did I miss this day in school?
March 10, 2023
Looking for answers. Finding them. Feeling better. Hearing your story, relating it to my story.
Feeling better. Movies show me emotions I’ve kept inside for years. I want to tell more stories.
Explaining life through examples. Interpreting consciousness through story.
March 8, 2023
Name it. Explore it. Think about the worst outcome. Accept that outcome.
Sounds backwards.
It works.
It’s worked.
But now i need help to learn it again. Its not working.
Reassurance seeking is a compulsion that makes compulsions get better. Irony.
March 8, 2023
Thought I was trapped.
Turns out I put myself here, because its reliable.
Thought I was a healer, turns out its just an easier narrative than admitting I need to heal.
Thought I was scared of abandonment, turns out I’ll abandon myself before others have the chance to.
March 5, 2023
In theory I thought I was.
In theory I thought l was.
In theory I thought I was.
I wasn't.
That was hard to admit
Why?
Because I'm the one who preaches self awareness. I'm the one who's made difficult changes and improvements in the past. Because it fits my "narrative".
Because I'm the one who has done “the work”. I hate that phrase.
The work doesn't work if you don't know what it is. The work doesn't work if you don’t work. I didn’t do it. I thought I was doing it. I’m embarrassed.
March 5, 2023
Wanting to change, and changing are two different things.
Wanting to change and knowing how to are two different things.
I want a lot of things that I don’t have. Why?
March 4, 2023
I thought I healed from that already.
No. I paid a professional to heal me. I thought that would make me happy. Im supposed to be healed now.
Befriending my shame creates less resistance.
March 3, 2023
Being seen is a love language.
Being grouped in with other people is easy. Being lost in the crowd is easy. Thinking you’re “just like them” is easy.
Realizing you're different is hard. Realizing you’re different is vulnerable.
Being seen for who you really are is vulnerable.
March 2, 2023
When you thrive in chaos you recreate it over and over. It feels good to dig myself out of a holes, because it's all I know. That hole feels safe.
I’m so good at rock bottom.
I felt unlovable as a kid I recreate it over and over. It feels normal. It feels like home.
March 1, 2023
It's easy to hide, it's hard to confront.
Confronting yourself is harder than confronting a friend.
You vs. you.
It's weird, the rules are different. You vs. you is about love. You vs. you is about acceptance. You vs. you is realizing the same little kid still lives inside of you.
Me vs. me is annoying, because I'm annoyed with myself.
Shame is a strong emotion, it's heavy and most of the time is not even mine to carry. My bed feels safe. My phone is busy but I can't even look at it sometimes.
Feb 28, 2023
OCD is like bouncing back and forth between reality and a sense of fear that only exists in my mind. The hard part is remembering that outside of my mind the fear isn't real and it can't hurt me.
It can't hurt me. It can’t hurt me. It can’t hurt me.
But knowing this doesn't change the way I feel in the moment. Until I bounce back, frozen in bed is the only state that works for me.
Feb 27, 2023
My mind tells me that I have to confess all my sins. And my mind convinced me that they're sins in the first place. They aren't. Who would I confess to? Would it make be feel better? Do other people have this desire? Is it a trick? Is it a past version? Who creates the definitions?
Feb 26, 2023
My body really clings into the experiences and traumas of the past. I can feel it during times when I'm purging emotions and when I'm triggered by abandonment.
Feb 26, 2023
Sometimes I feel sorry for myself because I just continue to self sabotage. I feel sorry because my inner narratives are always trampling over me before I get the chance to take the next step.
Feb 26, 2023
When you block your emotions, you don't have the chance to feel them. I'm mad because of all the ways that the anger is coming up now.
